When I was little, me and my cousin would hang out. He showed me heavy metal and rode on a motorcycle with me. I felt like we were going 100 MPH! It was probably like 20…

I saw him last night. It wasn’t the best circumstance for a reunion.

His mom is passing away. My great aunt. My mom’s aunt/best friend for years and years.

My mom’s earliest memory was Shirley carrying her to a storm shelter and falling and breaking her arm. They were nearly inseparable for much of their childhood. Shirley and my mom met Jim, her husband, at the same time. She’s been as big a part of my mom’s life as anyone.

Alek is 3. My mom was 3 then. Now she is 60, and Shirley is 64. Time is rude and it doesn’t stop for anything. As I played on the elevators and escalators with him tonight I couldn’t help but draw the natural lines. I see myself right in the middle of it all. Not quite young, not quite old. Just starting in so many ways, so experienced in others. I think it’s all enough to make your knees knock together.

Those quiet, sad nights when the smell of the hospital room seems all too familiar… those are scary.

You know… they’re not though.

I prayed a lot last night with mom by my side. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that my mom might be able to shoot the breeze with her again, to talk about old times. Maybe she would get up and dance with the nieces and the new Dora toy. Maybe I would catch up on the time I lost with them being in one city and me in another. Maybe next time I’d be able to recognize them all. Maybe if there was just one more day.

But there’s not really one more day. And that’s ok. Because that mindset of finality is a thing of the past.

You can run away from mortality. I know I do, literally. But it will catch me and it will catch you. And the question that will not go away for me is, what is waiting there? What is waiting there???

Philippians 1:21

Christ means everything to me in this life, and when I die I’ll have even more.

For to me life is Christ and death is profit.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Revelation 2:7

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

John 14:2

2 In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.

I once struggled with death and sickness. I had panic attacks. I had crises at age 14, 16… bad dreams. Growing pains dad would call them. I was petrified of my mortality.

I can’t and won’t say that it’s not kinda scary still. Or that I’m happy go lucky at the hospital. I’m not. But Christ is in control, and He will return for you. He will come back for you. There is more than a broken body in a bed, a soft whisper of breath, and nothingness. That isn’t all there is. To live is Christ… and live that to the full! Fill your life with Christ, as he fills your life with Him.

And then, when that day does come… you will have a room prepared for you. No brokenness, no sickness, no death, no tears, no sadness…

God Bless You guys.. I am praying for you.

1 Timothy 5

8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

It’s been three years since I first realized that mom was going to need help. I put plans aside. I sold my house. We have been through a lot together. My commitment still remains, as does my joy in glorifying God and giving back to my mom for what she has given to me.

It’s been a bit of a rough time these last few weeks as I have decided what this means in light of my upcoming marriage. I’ve gotten a lot of advice. Some of it good. Some of it ridiculous. But as always the wisdom of God leads me. I love this verse because it reminds me, when the world would pull me away from what God has planned, that I am a child of the King, and that I share in His joy and His sufferings.

At the same time, I want to give a 100% commitment to my marriage and to my relationship with Alek, and I don’t want the things we are going to do to interfere or hinder my mom’s life in any way. These go all the way down from very big picture things to very small, practical ones.

So what does providing look like? Right now, it looks like an apartment for my mom, close to the granddaughters, close to her old home in Roebuck, close to her doctors, and hopefully closer to a freer, more independent style of life. For all her health problems she isn’t doing too badly, and I’d like to see that happen.

For me? There will be sacrifices. It isn’t the least expensive option available. There’s duplication of expenses. I’ll be budgeting for her as well as us. Means less house, less stuff, which sounds like a great plan.

Can we help the nations as much? I don’t know. But according to Paul (and Jesus) if I give all my money to the gospel in the nations, and can’t find the resources to help those who are closest to me, I have no faith to speak of. So the choice becomes clear, that my Radical Experiment begins at home

For my mom.. change is tough. I don’t think it’s her first choice, even if it is a better choice. Part of love for me is that I don’t want to directly dictate or indirectly dictate how she lives her life. This is a great time for her. Granddaughters are coming from everywhere, she has been in relatively good health for a long period. The darkest clouds from 2006 and 2007 have passed for now, and there is nothing standing in the way from her greatly enjoying the next few years of her life, with her family by her side.

Pray for her, and pray for me. Because change is difficult, and because of some other outside factors, I am feeling some guilt about not bringing her with us when we get married. I don’t think it’s the right feeling or the healthy feeling, but it’s there. I don’t know what else to say to that, except that I take joy in taking care of others, and I take joy in my Lord. I am trying hard to make the right decision, but I will settle for a wise decision. It’s not always fun and not always easy, and following Christ is hardly ever the easier way to go. But it’s the right way.

More to come for sure! God Bless!

I’m learning so much every day. How to become a godly husband. Harder than it seems. How to become a godly step-father, even harder! :) But so extremely rewarding. Maybe the highlight today was singing karaoke with Alek and my nieces. We did a very good version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! American Idol here we come! Ok maybe not :)

I love these evenings. Keeping your focus on God is so important as you change and become a part of a family. There was a very scary video at church today, meant to show how the tongue, our words, can be used to bless God and then curse His creations. I feel so blessed to be in a place where I speak encouragement and control my tongue. But it is an overflow of what is going on in the heart. So if I don’t live according to God’s word, and seek Him first and His righteousness, I’m doomed to use my words for hurting. I don’t ever want to do that. It keeps me up. It makes me want to repent for everything that keeps me from being in His presence.

Will be falling asleep thinking about James 3 and asking God to not let me stray from His commands (Psalm 119:10). My relationship with Him, my effectiveness as a husband and step-father, they all depend on His work in my heart. I want to speak truth and love from a heart made holy and righteous by His power, a power that died for our sins and yet couldn’t be stopped, couldn’t be silenced, couldn’t be killed. Amen!

It has been some kind of 2009. I really can’t go over it all, especially in one post. I have been to two of the four Olympic cities (The two that lost badly), I have been on two mission trips, I have gotten engaged, my roles and ministries at church have completely changed, and life is well… totally different.

I have so much to share, and so much to think through out loud, and so much to write about. But a lot of it doesn’t seem to ever make it to paper. And I think that’s ok.

So I am hoping that the upcoming time of wedding and family preparation, running, potentially moving, and all these changes will be a good backdrop for me to re-enter the world of blogging, and hopefully to glorify Christ by showing you how God and His word affects my life, and how His grace forgives my mistakes as I come to Him, and hopefully what it means to follow Him as my life changes, prayers are answered and others arise, and we move on together after Him.

If you’re reading this, thanks for sticking with me. I do miss writing!

One more note.. one of my favorite readers and best friends, Amy Hix, is now Amy Acker. Congratulations sweet Amy June! I’m very proud of you. This was the first ‘wedding weekend’ that I have been a part of since my awesome friends Brad and Bonnie were married three years ago. The time flies I tell you, and the parallels between my life then and my life now are enough to make my head spin. That’s for another day. We’ll just say that God has a wonderful way of showing you how He has planned things out, little glimpses. They help me to trust Him more with the future things..

So congrats Amy and congrats Pronce! Here is their actual picture! Ha Ha! Check out their wedding site..

It all started on my mission trip to Arizona. I had so much fun playing with the kids, and sharing Christ with them, and then notes of encouragement from the others on the trip started to flow in. Time after time they mentioned how great I was with kids.

As I returned, I began reading Experiencing God, a really great study course, and a couple of things jumped out at me.

1. God speaks through His church to you
2. Pursue things that you cannot accomplish without God’s help.

After the encouragements I came home and was confronted with a huge need. Lots of children in our church without leaders. And so as soon as I could, I stepped out in faith, knowing that God would give me the resources and heart and commitment I would need, since He called me to do it.

And that’s where I am. Yesterday was the first day. I’m not going to lie, it was tough. It felt nothing like Arizona. I ended up feeling more like a drill sergeant than a faith trainer. And I didn’t really like that very much. I left just completely roasted mentally.

But I’m in an amazing place. First, I know that I cannot do anything on my own to increase the faith of the kids in my class. God is in charge of heart change, all I can do is be faithful and ask Him for help. And when the kids have grown in some way during the year, I will know that God was at work.

Second, feeling tested means I’m close to where God is working! Amen… if you’re never tested, did you really ever step out? Yesterday’s verse for the day, since I taught it and was taught it on the same day..

James 1

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

I pray this morning for wisdom. I pray for God-sized dreaming for things that can only be accomplished by God in us. If we can do everything we ever dream about on our own, that means we never needed God. We were never dependent on Him. I pray that everyone will find that place in their life that stretches them as far as they can go, brings them to tears, and shows them the sad and awesome truth… sad that we are finite and dependent, and awesome that God is as faithful to work maturity and completeness into us as He says He is.. if we just ask Him for it!

If my (fill in the blank) betrayed that God had not even met my own needs, I would be fraudulent.

I begin serving as a faith trainer for children at my church tomorrow. If through that, I showed that God had not met my own needs, I would be a fake to them. I’d only help them grow in rebellion.

If my family could see an underlying bitterness, I would show that God is no better to me than anything else that anyone uses to feel better. No better than drugs, or alcohol, or material things.

At work… if I talk about my faith, and then show that I’m only happy tearing others down and having my own way, I show them that Christ is only my version of 1000 different versions of how we all cope. And this one is tough.

It’s our only duty to enjoy our Father. I love to get presents. But as I grow, I realize that getting a present isn’t just about getting something. It’s about celebrating the one who gave the present. Celebrating that they thought enough of me to give me something.

The key is to be satisfied in God, for him being God, creator and sustainer of all things. Not because you got the job, or the husband or wife, or even something amazing like a fruitful ministry. To care more about the gifts is about the same as receiving a dozen roses from your significant other, and ignoring the significant other as you walk around flaunting the roses… even as they wilt and shrivel and die.

God is the eternal giver and we embrace Him as our Father and King, and enjoy Him. I pray today that as I start tomorrow, as I disciple friends, as I work and live that I will know that everything in my life flows from the satisfaction I have in God who created me, and sustains me, and wants me to know Him, and not just the effects of His being present…. but His Presence!

Do you just ever HAVE to be right? Relationships, repentance, God, shoved aside in that moment as you attempt to exert your will, and prove that you are right. Been there…

Genesis 4… You have Cain and Abel. Both bring a sacrifice to God. Abel’s is the best he has to offer. Abel believes God, and walks with God, and so his sacrifice (of course based on the heart behind the sacrifice) is accepted.

I can see Cain now in the field. ‘Guess I better put some stuff together for the sacrifice..’ Picking whatever he comes across.. I say that because I have been there. And his sacrifice is junk because his heart is junk.

And God tells him so. ‘”Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”’

And Cain is faced with a crisis of faith. God is real. God is in charge. And the heart behind Cain’s sacrifice is off… and he’s opened himself up to sin that crouches like a lion and desires to have him.

I can imagine the pride welling up. I can imagine Cain looking around, and seeing Abel there worshiping, or whatever… and saying to himself ‘Look at smug Abel over there, That jerk made me look bad. This is all Abel’s fault..’ Justifying himself. Getting angrier and angrier.

Until he invited his brother into the field and killed him.

And then, in verse 9, Cain looks at God himself, and even tries to shoulder responsibility off on Him..

9 Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

I saw this weekend how easy it is to justify yourself out of pride. To do something completely ridiculous and then to look around for the first person to blame to take the weight off of you. Even God if you must.

Go back 1 chapter. Eve eats the apple, and gives some to Adam, who never makes a sound. God comes and asks Adam what happened. His response??

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

In one sentence, 7 words, the first man, places blame everywhere (Eve and God) except on himself. And we’ve been doing this ever since.

So pray with me that as the people of God, we will Dress for action like men; I will question you, and you make it known to me.–Job 38:3.

Because in our relationships with each other, and with those we love and witness to, this kind of stuff will not stand. You are under authority. I am under authority. To God, and by the blood of Christ, to those around us. Lord, help our unbelief and help us to overcome the pride that was at the heart of the first sin and still lives in our core today…

Lord you are always right. Me, not so much. I thank you that this is true and trustworthy..

I traveled through Tucson to Sells, AZ to work on the Tohono O’odham Indian Reservation. We did most of our ministry in small villages, playing with kids and teaching them about Jesus. And playing some mad kickball too!

Most people haven’t heard of the TO people. I had not. But going there, you definitely feel for them. There’s very little industry, very few fathers… lots of alcoholism, violence, gangs, hopelessness, and sadness. The teachings of Christ, that he will not let us down, and that his promises are good, were a direct contrast to the way the TO relate to us and to each other. Everyone has let them down, including themselves..

I got to experience the way Christians are supposed to live with each other. In harmony, together. Sharing meals. Concentrating on things that are important, instead of all the stuff that distracts us and sidetracks us in our lives here. I think it was a very small slice of what heaven will be like.

It’s so easy for us to look at the TO people, and feel sorry for them, and in some way I do. And to think it’s really nice for a bunch of people to go and help them.

But the truth is that’s way too easy to do that without looking in the mirror, and without looking at eternal things that should matter to us. We get one life. Our culture today is far too good at assisting us in wasting it on empty pursuits. I kinda felt more sorry for myself than for the TO…

There’s a story in the gospels where there’s a man who fills his silos with grain. When he has filled them up, he then decides the only thing that will make him happy is to tear down the silos and build bigger silos. We live in this culture of ‘just a little more’. And that very night, in the parable, God demanded his life. And what becomes of his grain, and what becomes of all our stuff and pursuits?

So I would ask you to pray with me for the TO people. I have a lot of new friends and letters to write, and that’s exciting! But also share with me in looking in the mirror to what’s truly important in our lives!!

Thanks guys for listening. I attached a picture of me and my new friend Marley. He lives about half a mile from the Mexican border. He’s 6 and he told he his dad is a drunk. Everything points toward him following that same path. But God is the healer and I pray he will work through me to show my friend things can be different!!

Wow that stung.. But yet so true. We read the Bible, we see how God used ordinary people to accomplish amazing God sized things, because of His strength and power. But we don’t believe we are capable of doing anything like that. Or anything outside of ourselves.

We disguise it as a lack of confidence, just like Moses did. But the authors are right. We don’t need to have confidence in ourselves anyway. Only in God.. All that confidence in ourselves is good for is for us to say that we did something, in the name of this God we have read about. God doesn’t want or care for us to go out by ourselves and do something in His name. He is present to do it through us…

The example of Moses is God working through a humble heart in real time. Yeah it was easier for Moses to see, the sea parting as he is walking toward it and the Israelites walking through on dry ground. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see just as well the things God accomplishes through you.

Where are you not believing in what God is capable of in and through you?

- Well I have been in Tokyo for 8 days
- I have been in Arizona for 7 doing ministry on an Indian Reservation.
- I have a girlfriend whom I have hardly mentioned here, in what has been an interesting set of circumstances that I will dive into slowly to show you how God is working in my life, despite me even..
- I have decided to train for marathon #11 but right now I’m about 10-12 pounds heavy so I am counting on summer to sweat it out of me.
- I have a new niece, Jennifer Lynn, and she is awesome!
- Right now is a time I need to write and process things. God is starting to stir in my heart and tell me things, and I feel like the path I felt like I was on a couple of years ago might be coming back into play.

I’m doing a study called Experiencing God. And the memory verse for this week is John 15:5

I am the vine, you are the branches. If you abide in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.

Abiding is remaining. Remaining is staying in… And practically for me that is fleshed out when God becomes the object of constant thought, and prayer, like He truly is IN me. And when I reach that place, He bears fruit through me, and I will bear much fruit, and I won’t have to worry about doing anything apart from Him.

It’s been easy my whole life to give God lip service because there are very few things I have actually HAD to trust Him for. I talk a lot but most things I’m perfectly fine doing on my own, without His involvement. But faith is doing something that can only be done with His intervention, and trusting Him that He will do it.

So I am asking God to give me a picture of what He wants me to do, and to go for it, even if and especially if it can’t be done without God working through it. For anyone who lacks faith, or wants a reason to believe, perhaps this has been true in your life as well. Maybe you have never been at the end of yourself, and seen God come through. It’s a form of disbelief I think, and I hate that in me!

I’ll leave it there for now. Just know, God is always at work around you, and He wants you to be a part of that with Him. Abide in Him, Remain in Him, and you will see it. I’m excited about seeing it over the next few months!